Whether the difficulty is fundamentally about them, or about the relationship, or about both, and what that means for what kind of help to seek.

The honest answer is that it depends. But there are patterns that tend to point in one direction or the other, and understanding them can make the decision feel less arbitrary.

When individual therapy tends to be the right starting point

Individual therapy makes most sense when the primary difficulty is something the person is carrying that predates or exists independently of the current relationship. A pattern of anxiety, or depression, or a way of relating to others that keeps creating the same difficulties across different relationships. Something from earlier in life that hasn't been properly attended to and is showing up in the present. A sense of not knowing oneself well enough to be able to show up fully in any relationship.

It also makes sense when one person in a relationship is significantly more ready to do the work than the other. Couples therapy requires both people to be present and willing - not perfectly so, but enough. When that willingness is very unequal, individual therapy for the person who is ready can be more useful than couples work that one person is ambivalent about or resistant to.

There are also situations where individual therapy is a necessary precursor to couples work. If someone is in the middle of a significant personal crisis - a period of acute depression, a grief that is still very raw, an addiction that is active - the capacity to engage with couples work tends to be limited. Getting some individual support in place first often makes the subsequent couples work more productive.

And sometimes individual therapy reveals something about the relationship itself that makes the decision clearer - either that the relationship is more workable than the person thought, or that it isn't, and that clarity about one's own needs and limits is what was needed to see that.

When couples therapy tends to be the right starting point

Couples therapy makes most sense when the difficulty is primarily relational - when both people are functioning reasonably well individually but something between them isn't working. A communication pattern that keeps breaking down. A distance that has grown without either person quite understanding how. A recurring conflict that neither can resolve on their own. A significant event - an affair, a loss, a major life change - that has shifted the ground between them in ways they haven't been able to navigate together.

It also makes sense when both people are motivated to work on the relationship and are willing to look at their own contribution to what's happening. Couples therapy isn't about assigning blame or establishing who is right. It's about understanding the dynamic between two people and creating enough of a shift that something different becomes possible. That requires both people to be present to their own part in things, which is more possible when both are genuinely willing.

Sometimes couples therapy is the right choice even when one person isn't sure the relationship is salvageable. The therapy can help both people get clearer about what they want, what the relationship has and hasn't been providing, and what they're each willing to do. That clarity is useful regardless of what decision follows from it.

When both might be useful

The two aren't mutually exclusive, and for many people some combination of individual and couples work is what serves them best - either running concurrently with different therapists, or sequentially, or one flowing into the other as the situation develops.

Individual therapy alongside couples therapy can be useful when one or both people have significant personal material that needs its own space - things that are relevant to the relationship but that would take up too much of the couples work if addressed there. Having somewhere to process those things individually tends to free up the couples sessions for the relational work itself.

It's worth knowing that if you're seeing a couples therapist, it's generally better to have individual therapy with a different person. A therapist who works with you individually and then also with you as a couple is in a complicated position - they know things about you that your partner doesn't, and that can affect the neutrality that couples work requires.

When the question itself is part of the answer

Sometimes the uncertainty about which kind of therapy to seek is itself informative. A person who is asking whether they need individual or couples therapy and is privately hoping the answer is individual - who finds themselves relieved at the thought of not having to bring their partner - may be telling themselves something worth listening to. And a person who immediately thinks of the relationship when asked what's wrong, who can't separate their own difficulty from what's happening between them and their partner, is probably pointing towards couples work.

The framing that tends to be most useful is: where is the difficulty primarily located? In me, in the relationship, or in some combination that needs addressing at both levels? That question doesn't always have a clean answer, but sitting with it honestly tends to point somewhere.

On making the decision

It doesn't have to be final. Starting with individual therapy doesn't preclude couples work later. Starting with couples therapy doesn't mean individual work isn't also needed. Most people find that their sense of what they need shifts as the work progresses, and a good therapist will help navigate that rather than insisting on a fixed path.

If you're genuinely uncertain, it's worth having a conversation with a therapist before committing to a particular format. Most therapists who work across both modalities are able to help you think through which is more appropriate for where you are, and will say so honestly rather than simply pointing you towards whatever they happen to offer.

The most important thing is starting somewhere. The decision between individual and couples therapy is less consequential than the decision to seek support at all, and most people find that once they begin, the right path tends to become clearer relatively quickly.

If you're trying to work out which direction makes most sense for you, I'd be glad to have that conversation. I offer both individual and couples therapy in Edinburgh and online, and I'm happy to help you think through what might be most useful before you commit to anything. Find out more here.